Circle beard: That you like the idea of having facial hair, but you're not really willing to commit completely to the idea.
5 o'clock shadow: That you think you look rugged, but you think you're too good looking to grow a full beard.
Horseshoe mustache: That you really, really want people to think you're cool.
Chinstrap: That you want people to think that you're sweet, sensitive, but still tough, a wounded bad boy with soul.
Pencil mustache: That you are quirky as hell and you probably own a complete set of retro Buck Rogers collector cups. Oh, and that you're still a "bachelor" even though you're 58 years old and you live in Key West with your "roommate."
Van dyke: That you consider yourself an artist even though the only thing artistic about you is that beret you bought from the thrift store and your heroin addict girlfriend.
Mutton chops: That you want a beard without actually having to have one. Either that or you can't grow the rest.
The Magnum P.I.: That you drive around in your Corvette just so you get the chance to make eye contact with ladies.
Soul patch: That you think that you're sensitive and a bit mysterious, but really you just look like the sort of dude who snaps at bad poetry.
Goatee: That you're comfortable going through life looking like a billy-goat. Also, that you can't grow in the rest, but you think that this manages to hide your weak chin/six chins.
Ordinary mustache: That you've basically given up on life and/or you own a white van and are not allowed within 100 yards of a public school.
Hitler mustache: That you really, really don't like the films of Steven Spielberg or Woody Allen. Either that or you're Michael Jordan. Also, you accept the fact that everyone you meet will instinctively hate you on site.
Hobo beard: That you just DON'T CARE.
The Amish: That you have at least two friends named Jedediah and that you are unable to read this because reading this is a sin. Also, you get your kicks drag racing your horse and buggy through a cornfield but if Pa ever finds out, he'll take away your other pair of pants and your good work shirt.
The Fu Manchu: That you are either the villain in a 70's Kung-Fu flick or you are an outrageous hipster. Either way, everyone you meet secretly wants to karate kick you in the chest through an open window
The Stonewall Jackson: That you really, really love having a beard, so much that you are willing to have it be your defining characteristic.